I’ve been noticing a common theme over the years – a massive self-esteem and confidence melt down. Not just in those who come from coaching, but in the faces of people I meet in the street, and the stories I hear. It always pangs my heart when I see really great people, with awesome skills and abilities wrench the handbrake on their life and career success because they just don’t believe they’re good enough.

Reasons vary but the results are the same: lack of self-belief and low self-confidence stop many people from following through on their dreams. Fortunately this doesn’t have to be a permanent setback. Boosting confidence and self-esteem are skills which can be learned – and many times the strategies are deceptively simple.

I hope you or someone you care about finds this newsletter helpful. Please feel free to share. And I’d love to hear from you if anything struck a chord.

Wishing you happiness and joy

Cassandra

ps I hope you like this image I drew of Sandro Botticelli’s Venus – she seems apt for this newsletter which celebrates BIG LOVE :).

Confidence and self-esteem – nine strategies to acquire them today

“People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something that one finds. It is something that one creates.” – Thomas Szanz

Many clients come to coaching saying, “I just want to be myself, but I don’t know who I am.” Others say, “I want to re-invent myself.” Some people may not state these questions so clearly. But all clients come to coaching because something in their life is not working. If it was they wouldn’t need help. Many of them complain of feeling “stuck;”of having “a dull, throbbing, ache deep inside;” or a sense of unhappiness with who they are and the results they are currently achieving in their lives.

Lack of self-awareness and low self-valuing often lie at the core of the issue. They may not know how to repackage their lives, in what direction to head, or what’s really getting in their way. They may not be aware of their own self-limiting beliefs and patterns, or the negative, confining impact of others’ ideas about what they are capable of or what’s best for them.

Even when the answers are clear many people resist the changes needed to achieve more happiness and passion in their lives. Fear and a lack of courage often lie at the heart of this reluctance or resistance. Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist and survivor of the Nazi concentration camps, believes that the cause of a person’s fear is a basic and crippling lack of faith about themselves and their capacity to make positive and successful changes. A common word used to describe this self-faith is ‘confidence.’

But change is good, isn’t it? For some people change is like death — the death of one’s self as it stands today. It means crossing into the unknown. Some people thrive in the face of uncertainty, others wither and wilt. Being more cautious isn’t necessarily a bad thing. What matters is that you take steps to move forward courageously. If you seize up in the face of change you may just need more reassurance and support to take on new experiences.

If your self-esteem needs a boost the following strategies will help. Record your responses in an inspirational journal:

Reclaiming Your Self-esteem

1. Do what you’re good at. What activities and/or special talents do you have that give you the most satisfaction? It’s amazing how confidence and self-esteem can soar when you’re doing something your great at. Whether it’s baking a cake, or solving a puzzle or anything else that absorbs your attention, when you do something you enjoy and have a knack for it feels great.

“When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bonds. Your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be.” ~ Patanjali

2. Write down ten things you are most proud of. Celebrate the goals you have already achieved. You are probably so busy focusing on the things you have to achieve next that you can forget to give yourself an encouraging pat on the back for the things you have already accomplished. Or perhaps, like many of my clients when they initially come to coaching, you’re mind is locked onto all the things you don’t like about yourself – a sure recipe for self-esteem disaster.

3. Define life success. One of the most empowering things you can do for yourself is to define your criteria for life success. Something Arianna Huffington, the co-founder and editor-in-chief of The Huffington Post , and said to be one of the most influential women in the world, also advocates in her awesome book, “Thrive: The Third Metric to Redefining Success and Creating a Life of Well-Being, Wisdom, and Wonder.” After collapsing from exhaustion and literally hitting the ground ( breaking her cheekbone in the process) while  lying in hospital she began to ask herself a lot of questions about the life she was living. Working 18 hour days, seven days a week and accruing massive wealth didn’t, she resolved, make  her a true success.

“When we completely define our identify with our job, we operate from fear,” Arianna Huffington says. “And it often stops us from being true to ourselves.”

4. Choose to be happy. Happiness is a state of mind. Tibetan leader the Dalai Lama says that the very purpose of life is to seek happiness. He believes that if you train the mind to be happy, you will be. Likewise, you can train yourself for higher self-esteem. Some people affirm for what they want by writing in a journal how they want to feel for the day. Others work out the things that lead them to feel sad and find ways to remove these things – like not watching the gloomy news and staying away from toxic people. Others make a conscious effort to do something every day that makes them feel happy. List at least ten things that make you feel happy. What are some steps you can help yourself to feel happier?

5. Set challenging goals. How much you like yourself is often reflected in the level of goals you will set for yourself. Generally, people who like themselves and feel valuable set higher and more challenging life goals. Aim high. What would you do if you knew you could not fail? How could you make this goal a reality?

6. Honour your core values.When you live by a clear set of values, it’s easier to align your life with what is most important to you. When you honour your core values you honour your true self. What are you doing now that is not congruent with your values? What steps could you take to ‘live’ and ‘be’ your values?

7. Enhance your energy. People with high self-esteem seem to have a reservoir of energy, and seldom get sick or let life’s setbacks keep them down. Their energy and enthusiasm for life encourages them to take care of their body, mind and spirit. What five things could you do this week that would make a positive difference to your energy levels?

For me, I love to walk in the fresh air – most times in the sea; meditation is an awesome energy booster which I aim to do twice daily; eating the right foods – especially fresh vegetable, fish and proteins; music lifts my soul – right now my new favourite mood music is Piano Stories by renowned musician Joe Hisaishi; and of course, my biggest energy booster is following my passion and helping others to do the same – it’s such a blast!

Some of the ways my client’s boost their energy is singing and dancing, going to comedy shows, catching up with positive friends, travelling – even on short trips, and riding horses. Having fun is great for the soul.

8. Maintain a positive attitude. Attitude determines your altitude. The more positive your thinking, the more positive your feelings, the more positive the outcome. There is nothing more powerful and creative than your thoughts, so you may as well make them positive and uplifting. How can you stay positive?

“I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. ‘Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death” ~ Leonardo da Vinci

9. Be passionate. Passion takes hold of you and feels like ‘fire in the belly.’ It is a source of power that enables you to get fired up about life and make a difference. The more passion and zest you feel, the more alive and brightly lit you are. Enjoy a daily tonic and make passion a regular event. What can you do to experience more passion in your life?

Above all, to reclaim your self-esteem – be your biggest fan not your worst critic. 

As actress Lucille Ball once said, “Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”